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Studies on marriage and divorce in the United
States report 41% to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. By the
age of 16, half of all adolescents will have divorced parents, with
15% experiencing parental divorce twice. Divorce can be a traumatic
event for children and adolescents. How spouses, or partners who are
separating, navigate this transition has a significant impact on
their children. Teenagers can be especially vulnerable to divorce
and may experience profound feelings of loss akin to a death in the
family. While these emotional wounds can heal over time, mourning
the loss of an intact family and end to a way of life can leave a
young person struggling with emotions such as sadness, anger, and
guilt, which can lead to stomachaches, headaches, eating and
sleeping disorders, depression, anxiety, aggressive behavior, social
and academic dysfunction, and other stress-related disorders.
The Best Outcome:
A dissolving marriage can be a sad time for
everyone in the family. Typically children realize there are
difficulties in the relationship between their parents long before
the decision to separate or divorce occurs. The best outcome for
children is when their parents continue to function in cooperation
with one another, transcending negative statements and behaviors.
Therefore, it is recommended for both parents (if possible) to
deliver the news about the divorce to their children, empathetically
telling the children that the divorce is not their fault. Of course,
when child maltreatment, domestic violence, or other violence and/or
mental illness are involved the situation is more complicated.
Blaming
and Name-Calling:
While blaming your spouse can add to the hurt
your child is feeling, minimizing the pain and suffering experienced
by family members can halt the emotional healing process as well.
Thoughtfully acknowledge your feelings and remain open to hearing
your child’s feelings, while refraining from speaking disparagingly
about your spouse in front of your child. If you are a blaming,
name-calling, highly emotional, or crying often parent this could
result in your child developing anger and defiance toward you. When
blowing off steam about your ex do so out of hearing range of your
child.
Young children are especially negatively
affected by being asked to side with one parent against the other.
Children are very sensitive to a parent’s emotions but are not
developmentally capable of being involved with adult relationship
issues, therefore relying on your child too much for emotional
support will place added stress on your child. Utilize friends,
family, and professional counseling when needed so your child can
pass through the developmental stages of childhood as a child, not a
“parentified” child who is constantly embroiled in adult relational
issues.
Negative Coping Behaviors:
Sometimes parents who are too hard on
themselves will feel a tremendous amount of self-blame and view
themselves as failures for their marriage ending. This is a good
time to seek professional counseling because intense negative
feelings about oneself can result in depression and destructive
habits can develop out of this mindset. For example, some parents
over gratify their child or teen because they feel guilt, which can
make it difficult to enforce boundaries and family rules such as
curfews, among other things. This is also a time when drugs and/or
alcohol may be used by parents and/or teens to block out stress.
This is an important consideration for parents and teens to be aware
of as substance abuse can severely undermine the stability of
important relationships and impact child development.
Seek Professional Counseling when needed:
Stability and routine are extremely important
during a divorce and throughout the transitions that follow.
Children are resilient and if they feel loved and cared for can
adjust to difficult changes. However, how well they adjust in the
long run is determined by how well the behavior of their parents
aids in the process during and after the divorce.
It is normal and appropriate to seek
professional counseling if you experience difficulty adjusting to
the divorce. Parents need to be strong so they can be available to
their children during this difficult time. Some children will
require professional counseling. If your child demonstrates
disruptions in apatite, sleep, social, emotional, and/or academic
functioning inform your pediatrician of the stressors in your
child’s life and he/she can provide you with referrals to a mental
health professional.
An experienced clinician can help the family
learn to cope with the stress and recommend educational books and articles. Family therapy, while not able to heal all ruptured
relationships, can help foster healthy cooperative networks across
households that facilitate healthy development for children and
adolescents.
Remember:
● Children frequently experience
emotional stress during this transition, which can result
in behavior problems and physical illness. Be
sensitive to this and try to eliminate the source
of stress. Ask for help, as it is a lot to
cope with on your own.
● When using discipline with your child focus
on the problem behavior and refrain from
using criticism of the child.
● Use punishment only when you are in control
of your emotions.
● Some children experience behavior problems
because they have not been taught
appropriate alternative behaviors. Teach them
ways to behave and respond that will help
them feel better about themselves while coping
with the divorce.
●
Acknowledge
your child’s grief over the situation and demonstrate empathy.
● Let your children know that it is ok to love
both parents.
● Refrain from pressuring the children to take
sides in a dispute.
● Refrain from arguing in front of the
children.
● Apologize after using poor behavior, such as
an overemotional argument, with your child,
and teach her/him to apologize when warranted.
● Refrain from making disparaging remarks
about the other parent in front of the children,
or directly to the children.
● Respect the relationship between your child
and her/his other parent.
● Maintain the safety and health of family
pets. Children are traumatized by
witnessing maltreatment of pets that can occur
during chaotic, stressful events.
● Develop a support system that includes
extended family members such as grandparents
and include helpful school personnel on the
support team.
● Maintain consistency with homework, bedtime,
and as many elements of daily life as possible.
● Consistency helps maintain a feeling of
safety and comfort for children.
● Children frequently believe they are the
cause of the divorce. Provide lots of hugs,
bedtime stories, lullabies, and laughs to help
kids make it through the tough times to follow.
● Let your children know they are loved and that
the divorce is not their fault.
Children deserve a safe and healthy
environment in which to grow and thrive. Be guided by this principle
and improve the likelihood of positive outcomes for you and your
children.
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